As the holidays approached there was a very large black cloud looming over the family.
Christmas has always been the same however, this year the story was that He had to work and would not be at the normal Christmas Eve party with Mom's side of the family. We had gone out of our way to make this a special holiday, all of my Mother's six grandchildren wore matching outfits. The girls had identical black/cream/red plaid silk dresses, which coordinated with the boys' red/black sweaters. Even my Mother and I had matching sweaters. I had gone all out to make this Christmas special as it was my baby girl's first. Picture perfect, for a not so perfect family.
While we all tried to move forward things were just not the same. I was relieved that he was not there, but Carrie had taken on a different tone. She sulked and pouted the entire time. She was angry that her Father was not there and she blamed me for the situation.
As the New Year rolled in, the celebration of my children's third and first birthdays would be one of the last times I would see my Mother at a family event. We resorted to awkward phone conversations about weather and the children in a pathetic attempt to keep our relationship alive.
Mother's Day 2005 was the very first Mother's Day that I would not see my Mother. Heartbreaking.
On the morning of May 23, 2005 I called my mother and expressed my concerns of our relationship. I express the hurt I felt having not seen her in months. During the course of the conversation I became desperate to get her to see how serious things were and I gave her an ultimatum. Either attend counseling with me or never speak to me again. She refused, I begged, I pleaded and fought for us. Yet she continued to refuse.
My world crumbled beneath my feet.
I had been sitting on the floor in my living room and that is where I lay for some time.
I then called my husband at work, and told him he had to come home. I know I was crying. I remember telling Raul that I could not care for the children and he needed to come home immediately. Raul tried to talk to me, to get answers, but I could not bring myself to speak the words.
My Mother had made a choice and it did not include me.