Freedom

He started calling and showing up when he knew that Raul would be at work.  He begged me to tell my mother than it really wasn't that bad.  His phone calls were also avoided at all costs.  I stopped answering the door a few days into this as the sight of him began to make my physically ill.

My Mother would call, but wouldn't dare mention what she had learned.  We'd talk about my kiddos, the weather and anything else we could think of to avoid reality.

At some point my I remember having a conversation with my Mother and asking her to tell him not to call or come over anymore.  I tried to explain to her that I needed to have some time to sort out my emotions as the sight of him was causing such a mess inside my head.  She didn't understand this, she was not a very deep person, she was always the type to take things personal.   And that she did.

Over the next few months I began to realize that having this horrible secret out was incredibly freeing.  I had kept such a deep dark secret for nearly 20 years.  I had never had such a sense of freedom and power in all of my life.  I tried to put this into words and help my Mother understand what I was feeling.  She either didn't want to understand or simply could not.

"Can't we just go back to the way things were"  she begged.

"I am sorry Mom, I can never ever go back there" I swore to both her and myself.