Freedom

He started calling and showing up when he knew that Raul would be at work.  He begged me to tell my mother than it really wasn't that bad.  His phone calls were also avoided at all costs.  I stopped answering the door a few days into this as the sight of him began to make my physically ill.

My Mother would call, but wouldn't dare mention what she had learned.  We'd talk about my kiddos, the weather and anything else we could think of to avoid reality.

At some point my I remember having a conversation with my Mother and asking her to tell him not to call or come over anymore.  I tried to explain to her that I needed to have some time to sort out my emotions as the sight of him was causing such a mess inside my head.  She didn't understand this, she was not a very deep person, she was always the type to take things personal.   And that she did.

Over the next few months I began to realize that having this horrible secret out was incredibly freeing.  I had kept such a deep dark secret for nearly 20 years.  I had never had such a sense of freedom and power in all of my life.  I tried to put this into words and help my Mother understand what I was feeling.  She either didn't want to understand or simply could not.

"Can't we just go back to the way things were"  she begged.

"I am sorry Mom, I can never ever go back there" I swore to both her and myself.

The Begining

I can't explain it, but much of the events are clouded.  Maybe it is because they are painful?  Maybe because they were so long ago.  Either way, I am going to go with what I can remember.

He picked my mother up from Lynn's house.  The plan was to come straight to my house for dinner, yet no one seemed to have an appetite.  Pacing the floors...

I know that she challenged him when he told her he had been sexually abusing us for years.  She told him that we, her daughters, were liars.  He told her that we were not being dishonest.  We all milled around, some needing space.  Some looking for answers.

I walked out onto the porch, I needed some air.  I remember her following me out, she was crying uncontrollably.  We embraced and then...

"Why did you wait until I was head over heals in love to tell me this" she shrieked.

I didn't have an answer for this.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner, maybe it wouldn't have happened to your sisters" she accused.

I couldn't dare answer this.

"Will you be mad at me if I go home with him" she asked.

"We'll get through this as a family" I promised.

This was the beginning of the end.  Our family would never be the same after this horrific revelation.  My relationship with my Mother was nearly over at this point.  Had I known that then, before she departed with the man she loved, I am sure I would have hugged her a bit longer and told her how much I loved her one more time.

Master of Manipulation

Once again we met at my house.  I don't remember how we even got him there, it wouldn't have been difficult.  My Mother was actually out of town visiting Lynn and her family.  It all fell into place.

To say I was terrified would be an understatement.  This is something I had dreamed of doing, but never, ever thought would really happen.  We were all sitting around my living room, Ann, Carrie, my husband Raul, myself and HIM.  As I type this, I am fairly certain that it was Ann yet again who stepped up.

"We told Carrie about what you did us when we were little"  she said with confidence.

As we sat in silence I remember thinking that I knew this would happen, he was going to deny it all.

All of his colored drained from his face and barely above a whisper, "What do you mean" he croaked.

Her confidence growing, she said "You know what I mean."

Had this really just taken place in the middle of my living room or was this all a dream?

Luckily or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, it definitely took place.  He admitted to the sexual abuse!  He did not deny it, however his explanation was sickening.  To this day, when I think of what he offered up as an explanation I am reminded of how sick of an individual he really is.

"I wanted you all to be a part of me" he said.

We explained to him that we wanted him to attend therapy, as well as tell our mother what he had been doing to us for so many years.  Then he did what he does best and turned the tables on us all.  He became the victim of a nasty uncle.  He became the man capable of suicide.  He spoke to us in a voice that was like nails on a chalkboard, apparently meant to sound like crying or whimpering, when in reality it was simply disturbing!  He tried to talk us out of therapy, his fear of losing his job was all he focused on.  He worried that his employer would find out through his medical insurance that he was attending therapy and somehow they would know why.  I honestly think he was more worried that he could end up in jail.  His job?  We had lost our childhoods and so much more.

When it was all said an done, Raul followed this man home, to remove any firearms from the home.  He had done such a disgustingly fabulous job of being the victim in this scenario that we all feared he would in fact follow through with what he had threatened all these years and we had gone into protection mode.  Protecting him, after all he had done to us.

Master of Manipulation.